Resolving Church Conflict

Matthew 18:15-17, World English Bible: "If your brother sins against you, go, show him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained back your brother. But if he doesn't listen, take one or two more with you, that at the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the assembly. If he refuses to hear the assembly also, let him be to you as a Gentile or a tax collector."

Here in this passage of scripture Jesus shows us the pattern we are to follow when addressing conflict. It is His desire to restore relationships, instead of building walls that divide and lead to church splits and many hurting people.

The first step to restoration is that the people who are in disagreement be able to sit down and openly discuss the difficulty. This involves both speaking and listening. Many of the surface issues may be resolved by asking simple questions to one another, instead of accusing one another. As the surface issues are resolved the heart of the matter will become obvious. This is where the opportunity for restoration lies. Past hurts may have triggered an unwelcome response. Frustration from other circumstances may have been re-directed and brought into this present situation.

If restoration has been reached and there is a willingness with all involved parties coming before the Lord in prayer is the appropriate response. Praying for the Lord's blessing on one another's lives shows forgiveness and reconciliation has been achieved. The next step towards maturity after praying for one another is allowing the Holy Spirit to work on heart issues. Opportunities for personal growth may involve counseling, accountability while attitudes and thought patterns are migrated with Jesus as their focus, being mentored in a specific area or having a prayer partner so frustrations don't boil over and the situation repeats itself.

There are times during this process where support may be sought from close friends and those who have influence over the people involved in conflict. The healthy response is exercising maturity and providing Godly objective input. A close friend is able to tell a friend they are wrong and will be listened to. Another response may be having insight into the character and attributes of the person your friend is in conflict with. Is there insight in what was trying to be achieved, said and done which lead to a disagreement? It isn't normal for someone to intentionally hurt another person, unless they themselves are hurting and haven't realized the self-defeating cycle they are in. Close friends will support and pray while leaving room for Jesus to work in the situation.

While the parties are in dialog others in the fellowship who are aware of the situation need to take a step back and respond in maturity, not judging, but praying for the Lord's will in resolution come about. Conflict when resolved will build a closer unity. Judging, taking sides and gossiping are things that bring division. It is important that those who are aware of difficult situations bring the concerns to the Lord so they don't add fuel to the fire.

When feelings of resentment begin to linger and it becomes obvious restoration isn't going to occur without additional resources it is time to involve key people who will provide objective input and focus the discussion on the heart of the matter so an honest attempt at restoration may be achieved.

At this point establishing facts and sources of hurt are the key items that need to be discussed. A meeting needs to be setup between the people who are in conflict with people who live lives with integrity and show signs of spiritual maturity. In this way the input provided will be objective and will be said in love. When someone is being rebuked, but done with love as the motivator, it tends to be listened to and respected. With the assistance of additional people and the conversation being re-focused on the root causes it is possible to come to a resolution, forgiveness and reconciliation.

This process shouldn't be rushed though. As the situation has escalated to needing additional resources time needs to be given so all parties involved understand the Biblical principals, which were compromised. As well time needs to be spent to ensure no one feels like they have been cornered. The love and compassion Jesus showed to all He met (including those who were responsible for crucifying Him) needs to be extended to this situation. The additional assistance may take three to five meetings to get to the root cause, address the root cause, discuss more appropriate responses to tension and time to study the Word of God related to what went on.

The mediation process could be compared to peeling an onion. Each onion has several layers before you reach the core. By the time mediation resources were necessary to bring resolution time needs to be spent to really understand what went on. The response to a situation may have triggered off an emotionally painful memory and this is why the reaction, which was expressed, was done so. By addressing the root issue the same situation won't repeat itself again. Then church resources may move away from "fire fighting" into a season of prayer and then onto evangelism and discipleship.

The challenge with conflict is that hurting people hurt other people. Although mediation is meant to reconcile broken relationships it doesn't always work. At the point where a resolution isn't able to be reached the church fellowship needs to be involved so people aren't hurt from what was a small conflict between a few individuals. When people are hurting they share their pain with others. As we grow in the Lord there are different things we wrestle through as we become more like Jesus. There is a point in each believer's life that they turn from gossiping and taking sides. When there is conflict it is easy to be sucked into this self-defeating cycle.

At such a time as it is determined that a resolution can't be reached the church fellowship needs to be addressed on the truth of God's Word stemming from the original situation. The church pastoral care team, leadership and pastor need to discern the Lord's will in how to address the body without placing blame on an individual. When done effectively an open invitation for reconciliation will arise. There are times when it takes multiple people to give the same message that you were wrong before you realize it for yourself. Those who have matured spiritually are able to talk with the people involved and extend an opportunity to reconcile their differences without placing blame. In the meanwhile the body is equipped, encouraged and built up by resources the pastoral care team have made available in order to avoid a church split.

The church fellowship will all be on the same page with how the pastoral care team, leadership and pastor addressed the situation with materials, teaching and training provided. At the point when reconciliation isn't able to be reached, but the fellowship knit together out of the unity the leadership of the church brought to the situation, individuals in conflict will feel they no longer fit on and will move on.